Weeeel, I have been feeling that wanderlust itch. The need to pick up and move somewhere new. Certainly not inspired by the fact that a lot of my friends and acquaintances have finished with college and gotten real jobs and moved to new cities. (cough..Anna) I just feel like my life has been put on hold and I am just sludging through grad school. While I love love love the academic setting and am definitely committed to lifelong learning, I really am ready to move to the next stage. Not like children next stage...don't get excited readers. Children scare the willies out of me. I want an adventure.
That is something that has been on my mind a lot recently. Kiddos...children...spawn. I have always thought that naturally I wanted to have kids. Perhaps I do. However, I can't picture myself as a mother. At all. Shouldn't you be able to picture that? I don't even have that burning desire to have them. Most moms I've talked to mention that they have always wanted/dreamed/ imagined having kids and that they couldn't imagine not having them. Not me. I've never felt that way. Is that a sign that I shouldn't have kids? I know Kaleb wants to have kids and I'm cool with that. He isn't pushy about it at all. I definitely have like 5+ years before it becomes an issue. 5+ years left of freedom. Maybe that mindset is what is wrong. Maybe I shouldn't view children as a loss of freedom. But isn't that what they are? I am probably pissing off all of my "mom" friends, but let me explore my feelings. I am honestly not judging women who have kids or want to have them. I just am thinking through my feelings on the matter. Possibly the thing that scares me that most is having to be responsible for shaping a small being's worldview and taking care of them. You are shaping a life. How you raise them directly impacts how they live their life. Unfortunately, I can't even keep a bamboo plant alive.
I suppose one day I will want a baby, but right now I want to enjoy life and be free to spontaneously pick up and move. Hop countries and have adventures. There is plenty of time for childrearing later. I want to live first.
I might have to duck rotten fruit after posting this entry.
That is something that has been on my mind a lot recently. Kiddos...children...spawn. I have always thought that naturally I wanted to have kids. Perhaps I do. However, I can't picture myself as a mother. At all. Shouldn't you be able to picture that? I don't even have that burning desire to have them. Most moms I've talked to mention that they have always wanted/dreamed/ imagined having kids and that they couldn't imagine not having them. Not me. I've never felt that way. Is that a sign that I shouldn't have kids? I know Kaleb wants to have kids and I'm cool with that. He isn't pushy about it at all. I definitely have like 5+ years before it becomes an issue. 5+ years left of freedom. Maybe that mindset is what is wrong. Maybe I shouldn't view children as a loss of freedom. But isn't that what they are? I am probably pissing off all of my "mom" friends, but let me explore my feelings. I am honestly not judging women who have kids or want to have them. I just am thinking through my feelings on the matter. Possibly the thing that scares me that most is having to be responsible for shaping a small being's worldview and taking care of them. You are shaping a life. How you raise them directly impacts how they live their life. Unfortunately, I can't even keep a bamboo plant alive.
I suppose one day I will want a baby, but right now I want to enjoy life and be free to spontaneously pick up and move. Hop countries and have adventures. There is plenty of time for childrearing later. I want to live first.
I might have to duck rotten fruit after posting this entry.
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